My husband yelled at me for my very reasonable request on Mother’s Day. I am crushed.

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Dear Vivek,

I’m filled with resentment after Mother’s Day, but I’m not sure how much of it is my and my husband’s fault. We have two kids (ages 2 and 4), and the weekend before Mother’s Day I spent with my mom, and then I spent time with her on Saturday. On Mother’s Day, I woke up to a baby screaming while I was trying to dress them up and take them out for play (I usually dress them up). I walked downstairs and into the kitchen to find some leftover cold breakfast from the bagel shop (no separate order/plate for me), the bodega flowers were not in a vase, just lying on the counter, and, worst of all, a gift card, when I specifically said a few days before Mother’s Day, “Don’t get me a gift card.” I was appreciative in the moment (or at least trying to be!), but later I told my husband I was disappointed, and he yelled at me that my expectations were unrealistic and that if I wanted to do something on Mother’s Day, I should have explicitly told him to make a reservation somewhere.

I ended up having to go grocery shopping, do laundry, and cook dinner for my family by myself. I sent my husband gift ideas (perfume, sandals, skin care, etc.) before Mother’s Day. I said I don’t care what we do as long as I don’t have to plan it or get everyone dressed up. I thought I was pretty straightforward in asking for what I wanted (no planning, cooking, or cleaning basically anything!) and a meaningful and thoughtful, not necessarily expensive, gift. Now I have no idea if my expectations were too high or I was gaslighting, but I am extremely hurt. He didn’t even empty the dishwasher; I did it myself while they were playing games, as well as cleaning up the toy messes they left behind.

-sad mother

Dear sad mother,

The disappointing Mother’s Day experience is infuriating, if common (is it just me, or is most of the social media content around this holiday about mothers’ unfulfilled expectations?). As soon as I started reading your letter, I was ready to give you some tips about clearly asking for what you want — or even better, leaving the house altogether for the next year. But these would be tips for interacting with a husband who was lazy and out of touch yet well-intentioned. Your husband is not of good intentions.

Then he yelled at you! That’s why I see your situation as a marriage problem (or really, a husband’s personality problem) rather than a holiday expectations problem. I would go so far as to say that even a perfectly executed Mother’s Day leaves you feeling somewhat empty because no amount of brunch, cleaning, or carefully arranged flowers can erase the knowledge that you are married to someone who is not as kind to you. Again, your complaints about how the day went are completely valid, but I worry that you’re focusing on them and ignoring the bigger picture problem: Your spouse is an idiot who doesn’t respect you or care about your feelings. Bring this story, and I’m sure there are many others like it, to couples therapy. I can’t promise that that will change, but I do know that you can get a third party to confirm that your expectations aren’t too high.

Dear Vivek,

I am 70 years old and trying to keep up with the times. I wanted to surprise my 17-year-old granddaughter, “Whitney,” with an early birthday gift while her dad was at work and went out with her and her 19-year-old “friend,” “Kathy.”

The girls were embarrassed, but I asked them to please talk to me. Basically, Whitney and Kathy were feeling things out, and Kathy came from a very religious background and was very scared. Whitney begged me not to tell my father, and I promised on the condition that both girls would practice safe sex, take no drugs, and if they got into trouble they would call me and ask no questions. I love my son, but he wants Whitney to live in a bubble after his first daughter drowned when she was 12. His first wife died when my second granddaughter was a baby, and Whitney’s mother died when she was 2 years old. He’s not homophobic per se, but he overreacts to anything Whitney says. My son and my granddaughter have been butting heads over everything from career tracks (she’s in community college) to getting tattoos since she turned 18. They just tear each other apart.

Kathy and her 18-year-old brother came to live with me for a few months because their mother was abusive to them. Her younger siblings were separated into foster care, but Kathy called me. She and my granddaughter were not dating at this time but were “friends”. Whitney called me crying and asked that they be allowed to stay because her father had refused. Kathy and her brother were very nice house guests. They both got jobs and saved money to buy an apartment together.

Now, Whitney is 20 years old and has come out of the worst. She confessed everything, made her father the bad man and me the good grandmother. I am not a saint. But my son blames me, and Whitney blames him, and the two won’t talk to each other, but they just take out their anger on me. I’ve tried to deal with it, but I got angry at my son when he said I “encouraged” my granddaughter to “groom.” Whitney and Kathy were two years apart in age and when I moved Kathy and her brother in, they were not together. I asked my son to get some perspective. No one was dead, pregnant or going to jail. My almost adult granddaughter asked me to keep her confidence up and help her friend who was about to become homeless. He needs therapy.

My son blocked me. My daughter is angry but respects my boundaries about not hearing news about her brother. I’ve tried to bring up the same thing with Whitney, but she constantly forgets and talks openly about her father. She started living with friends. She loves him, and he loves her, and I love them both, but I can’t be caught in the middle. What do I do here? I’m trying my best, but it’s just a mess.

-trying my best

Dear trying my best,

You’ve really done so much for Whitney, and I hate that all the love you shared has backfired, tearing your family apart and ruining your relationship with your son. It’s really hard to trust other people to remember to respect your boundaries, because then they have complete power over whether you feel okay or not. Put another way, a real boundary is something you control for yourself, not something you ask someone to do. I wonder if you could change your point from “No one is allowed to talk to me about my son” to “I can’t rehash what happened between my son and me because I know I did the right thing, and I know he’s in a lot of pain.”

If you were certain that you were not wrong in being Whitney’s confidant or in taking Kathy under your wing, the mention of her father would not have had such a profound effect on you. In fact, it may represent another chapter in the story of you being the safe, supportive, understanding adult in Whitney’s life despite your son’s irrational reactions. After all, you’re not really stuck in the middle. Your son has broken ties with you. Your granddaughter, whom you love and who has always supported you, is still opening up to you, like she always has. This isn’t actually a bad thing—it’s a reflection of how important you are to him. I hope you can feel it.

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Dear Vivek,

I’m going to get married this summer, but when I chose the date, I neglected to consider one thing: It would be the peak of tanning season. My dad loves to spend as much time as possible at our local pool during the summer months, and he always gets really, really, really black. George Hamilton Think about whether that name means anything to you – it’s not a normal tan, it’s beyond that. I’ve asked him before about whether he’s wearing sunscreen out of concern for the health of his skin, and he says so, although I find it hard to believe given his complexion.

But now my concern is more selfish: I don’t want him to look ridiculous at my wedding when he’s going to meet many of my friends and my fiancé’s family members for the first time. Not to mention the pictures! I’ve already tried to plant the idea that I want him to tan easily this summer, and he wasn’t completely resistant, but I’m not sure I’ve got him through. What do you think I can do to calm him down?

-yellow daughter

Dear yellow daughter,

Let it go. In fact, do more than just let it go. embrace it. Your wedding is not a display or a mood board about a flawless family aesthetic. This is a moment in your real life, believe me, you really want to reflect your real life and the real people in it. Your guests may be thinking, “Oh my God, that’s burnt to salt!” or “I hope her dad is getting checked for skin cancer,” but those thoughts won’t cancel out the thoughts they’re having about how beautiful you look, how much you and your new husband love each other, and how happy they are to be there to celebrate. Besides, there will come a time when your father won’t be here, and when he does, you’ll want to smile and shake your head when you see him in all his signature orange ridiculousness in your wedding photos, and not a soft and unrecognizably pale version of the man he really is. Was.

Classic Prudie

My elder brother lost his wife suddenly at the age of 28. She was literally the girl next door and they had been together since they were 14 years old. It was devastating and I don’t think he ever recovered from her loss, despite grief counseling and time. About five years after his passing she briefly tried dating, but said it felt empty and hollow and she did not enjoy it. Fast forward 14 years and he’s a successful businessman with lots of hobbies. His life is quite rich but he gets lonely sometimes and wants human connection, but not commitment…